Some tips that are so fundamental to being a good baby, I’m willing to share them with you here for free:

1.  Don’t cry.  If you follow this tip, you'll be better than 90% of the other babies out there.  Seriously.  Adults don’t like it when we make lots of noise, particularly when they can’t figure out why we are doing it.  Stay quiet, and they’ll tell everyone how good you are.

2.  Don’t bite.  This one is also pretty easy.  It’s fine to put things in your mouth, just not anything that is alive.

3.  Buy my book.  The rest of my trade secrets are under lock and key.  And by that I mean, they’ll cost you a dollar each.  Trust me.  It’ll be worth it when Mom and Dad tell everyone how you are the best baby on the block.  Just read the book.